Wait, Did Area Man Just Ask Me Out?
WESTWOOD — Sources are unsure whether area man Eric, just asked me out. We’ve had dinner together multiple times so I didn’t think it was […]
Op-Ed: No One Suffered Like My Ethnic Group
My ethnic group came to this country from a poorer one than yours. I don’t care where you came from; my ancestral country was poorer. […]
Class Clown Hides In Sewers To Tell Jokes
WESTWOOD — UCLA second year and Pennywise wannabe, George Rogers, was found this morning coated in feces, peering through a sewer telling popsicle-stick jokes to […]
Local Nihilist Watches “Rick and Morty”
LOS ANGELES — Citing its sophisticated and nuanced references to Narodnaya literature, local nihilist Evan Sharp is a regular viewer of the Adult Swim cartoon […]
My Sons, Ranked
1. Lonzo Lonzo’s the biggest baller out there. He’s inherited my amazing basketball skills, and is going to win MVP every year he’s in the […]
Frustrated Driver In Parking Lot Wishes He Was Handicapped
WESTWOOD — Local driver Mike Thompson found himself wishing he was handicapped when he couldn’t find a space in the Saxon suites parking lot yesterday. […]
Harvey Weinstein Running For President
LOS ANGELES — Amid a flurry of sexual assault allegations, former producer Harvey Weinstein has announced he is running for president. “No one in the […]
All Our Good Guys With Guns Pretty Busy Last Night, NRA Says
LAS VEGAS, NV — After the deadliest mass shooting in American history occurred during a concert in Las Vegas, the NRA has reported that all […]
BREAKING: Katie Dropped From Theta
WESTWOOD — In an upset some are calling “once in a lifetime,” sources report that first-year Communications student Katie Moore has been dropped from Kappa […]