Taking A Stand: These 5 Senators Announced They Will Not Be Inviting President Trump To Their Birthday Parties
Dianne Feinstein is known by her Senate colleagues as “the Queen of birthday parties,” and this June’s big 8-5 is sure to be no […]
Fuck! Cambridge Analytica Knows I Don’t Have A Life
WESTWOOD — Fuck! I just heard on Facebook that Cambridge Analytica has all my information now! What will I do? Oh shit. Do they know that […]
Submission: Regarding David Hogg’s Admission
Dear David: After careful review of your application for admission, we regret to inform you that we are not able to offer you admission for […]
North Campus T.A. Growing Out Gross Beard
WESTWOOD — Philosophy 100A TA Mark Isaacs announced this week that he would be growing out a gross beard in the coming quarter. “As I […]
Words of Prophets Discovered On “Bitch Problems” Twitter Account
TWITTER.COM — Theological scholars this past week discovered fully intact prophetic scripture in the annals of a Twitter account with the handle “Bitch Problems.” “You need […]
Submission: Gelato Way Better Over There
Hi there! It’s me, your friend who studied abroad in Rome over Winter Quarter. Listen, I don’t want to sound like a cliché, but Study […]
Local Roommate’s Tinder No Longer Ironic
WESTWOOD — Earlier this week, area woman Becca Corkin officially changed her stance on the nature of her roommate’s Tinder usage. “I think it started off […]
Area Woman Unsure If Man Cute Or If She Just Bored
WESTWOOD — Sources close to the scene report that area woman Bethany Watson is having a difficult time deciding if her male friend is cute or […]
Report: Dishes Still There
WESTWOOD — According to a recent scientific study published by your roommates, findings verified that your dishes are still there. “After observing empirical data and […]
Plane Crashes After Man Forgets To Enable Airplane Mode
NEW YORK — The Federal Aviation Administration released a press statement this morning, divulging that the Boeing 747 that crashed shortly after departing JFK International Airport […]