North Campus T.A. Growing Out Gross Beard

WESTWOOD — Philosophy 100A TA Mark Isaacs announced this week that he would be growing out a gross beard in the coming quarter. “As I pursue my PhD in Nietzsche’s Oedipal analysis in relation to his own psyche, I’m frankly honored to be joining the gross-beard-clad ranks of philosophers and great thinkers before me,” Isaacs told the press, in between fits of coughing violently on smoke from an old wooden tobacco pipe. “Soon, I will sit and work my fingers through that oiled mess of scrubby brush on my face and be elevated to the wisdom of those such as Plato, Marx, and Dostoevsky—all great men with disgusting beards of their own—as I contemplate the great mysteries of the universe.” Later in the week, Isaacs was seen chastising a female student for mistaking correlation for causation, sympathizing that it was common for delicate, smooth-faced women to get confused when attempting abstract thought.


About Kylie Kinne 15 Articles
Kylie Kinne is a fourth-year physics major from San Antonio, Texas. When she’s not writing satirical news, she enjoys piña coladas, getting caught in the rain, and making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape.