War On Christmas Death Toll Climbs to 7,000
WASHINGTON, DC — After Gretchen Vandermint suffered a massive heart attack when a passerby wished her a happy holiday, the War on Christmas has officially claimed […]
White Freshman Takes Huge Risk With Ethnic-Sounding Entrée
WESTWOOD — Yesterday evening, caucasian first-year Ezra Bloss got the Salvadorian pupusas at De Neve dining hall. “I’ve never felt more attacked in my life,” […]
Meteorologists Struggle to Name New Hurricanes
MIAMI, FL — Rising global temperatures accompanied increased numbers of named storms this hurricane season, pushing storm-naming techniques into the center of meteorological debate. “If […]
Legal Pad User Confident In Superiority To Rest Of Class
WESTWOOD — Last week, the entire Life Science 15 lecture hall watched in admiration as first-year student Trip McCoy distinguished himself as being head-and-shoulders above the […]
Seven Cute Christmas Gift Ideas Inspired by Animal Crossing
1. Crocheted Bell Bag — This gift idea is perfect for anyone who is short on cash, but has plenty of time and crocheting experience! […]
P: Save the Bees! / CP: I’m Deathly Allergic
P: Save the Bees! By: Sasha Ellers, CALPIRG Chair Hello! Can I interest you in pledging CALPIRG to save the bees? There are millions dying […]
UCLA Housing Surprised To Learn Elevators Need Permits
WESTWOOD — The UCLA Housing administration was astonished to learn on Friday that the Hill’s elevators do, in fact, need permits. “It just completely slipped […]
BREAKING: PAC Member Joins Tours
WESTWOOD — After an extensive series of application essays and interviews, numerous Facebook posts have confirmed that this year’s cohort of UCLA Tour Guides includes […]
Study: 87% of People Find Their Soulmate at Rocco’s
WESTWOOD — A study conducted by the UCLA Department of Sociology concluded that 87% of people find their soulmate at Rocco’s Tavern in Westwood. “After interviewing […]
Vigilante Stonemason Makes Royce Hall Symmetrical
WESTWOOD – Campus tour guides were shocked last week when they reached the part of the tour at which they prompt guests to spot the […]