WASHINGTON, DC — After Gretchen Vandermint suffered a massive heart attack when a passerby wished her a happy holiday, the War on Christmas has officially claimed 7,000 lives. Vandermint became the latest casualty in America’s long going and egregious attack on Christmas and Christianity. She was 92.
Her death elicited a swift response from the conservative news media, with notable figures like Fox News’ Tucker Carlson chiming in. “Every year the leftist mob rallies to attack our sacred holiday, and in 2018 it’s only gotten worse” said Carlson during the opening monologue of his television show. “Whether it’s radio stations refusing to play ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’, or the crooked Justice Department investigating the Catholic Church for covering up sexual assault cases, the War on Christmas is alive and well.” Although Carlson lost some advertisers over that Catholic Church comment, he maintained support from his two main sponsors, Uncle Jebediah’s White Hooded Robes and Kid Rock’s Tiki Torch Emporium.
The recent bloodshed has provoked Americans all over the country, enraging citizens in states ranging from Texas to Connecticut. “The War on Christmas is the biggest injustice happening in America right now,” said 53-year old Donna Westenberg, a day after she called the police on a black family singing carols in her neighborhood.
Other citizens have more personal connections to the War. Take 13-year old William Spellman for example, whose father died from a severe allergic reaction after eating a gender-neutral Gingerbread Person sold at a local bakery. “I just hope people realize who is hurting this Christmas,” said Spellman, who will be gifted a brand new iPhone X on Tuesday that was assembled by child laborers in a Vietnamese sweatshop.
The White House reacted quickly to the recent disorder. President Trump personally ordered the withdrawal of US troops from Syria and Afghanistan, against the wishes of his military experts, so they could be placed on the front lines of the War on Christmas. “The DEMS treatment of Christmas is CRIMINAL and UNETHICAL. Trump protects Christians, something Barack HUSSEIN Obama never did!” tweeted the president, defending his decision to remove soldiers from a country where Christian citizens are frequent targets of ISIS militants. At press time soldiers were being deployed to Starbucks locations around the country to protect citizens from their deadly Holiday cups.