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Bruin Jaywalking Club Killed In Freak Accident

November 10, 2024 Georgia McNeill 0

WESTWOOD — Early Monday morning, the newly founded Bruin jaywalking club announced that almost the entire club was killed in the middle of Gayley in […]

Project 2025 Announces “Pussylight Savings Time” Forcing Women To Set Back Their Menstrual Cycle Each Fall

November 9, 2024 Azalea Morris 0

Washington, D.C. —  Project 2025 has added an innovative new pillar of conservatism to reclaim our nation: “Pussylight Savings Time,” which will forcibly set every […]

5 Halloween Looks That Scream “This Was Meant To Be A Couple’s Costume”

November 2, 2024 Shayne Sweet 0

When people ask, “Where’s pepper?” you can laugh and say, “She got tired of me being salty all the time!” Then start crying and kill […]

TA Worried Strike Will Impact Weapons Manufacturing Job

May 15, 2024 Enabler Staff 0

WESTWOOD — As another TA strike seems imminent, some graduate students are more hesitant to support the cause. “It’s not like these foreign wars have […]

USC Alum Dead At 76

April 12, 2024 Georgia McNeill 0

Biz Econ Major Excited To Commit White-Collar Crimes

April 4, 2024 Alyssa Wong 0

WESTWOOD — Fourth-year business economics major Bordan Jelfort announced today that after years of experience in petty crime, he now intends to pursue a fruitful […]

Soldiers standing in a line.

ROTC Cadet Makes CAPS Appointment For Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder

December 8, 2023 Marina Zeng 0

WESTWOOD — Third-year ROTC Cadet Sammy Patriot has been desperately calling the CAPS crisis hotline to speak about his self-diagnosed Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). “I […]

Opinion: The Enabler Fired Me But I Can Still Log Into The Website

March 7, 2023 Gillian Smith, Melissa Beining 0

They thought they’d gotten rid of me. They told me I wasn’t funny enough for this publication and to go write for the Daily Bruin. […]

REPORT: English Major Still Can’t Spell Kerckhoff

November 5, 2022 Lily Kiamanesh 0

WESTWOOD — Fourth-year English major Lauren Ipsum shocked friends and classmates Tuesday when she spelled the campus landmark as “Kirkhoff,” “Kerkoff,” and “Kirckoff” within a […]

Opinion: The Anderson School Of Management Should Be Burned Down

October 12, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

WESTWOOD — Last week, I got lost in the Anderson School of Management. It wasn’t my fault! Each building is numbered. And lettered. And it […]

Posts pagination

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  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research

    WESTWOOD — After the Trump administration justified cutting research funding to UCLA by citing concerns of antisemitism, Jews and Gentiles alike were shocked when the […]

  • Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed

    It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]

  • Roommate Unable To Clean Dorm Because Floor Is Lava

    WESTWOOOD – In an emergency press conference inside your dorm today, your roommate announced they are unable to clean because the floor is lava. “I […]

  • Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”

    WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]

  • two skeletons kissing in front of a rainbow pride flag

    Skeletons In Closet Come Out

Featured Authors

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Georgia McNeill
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
  • Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

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