5’8” Men Now Listing “One Tom Holland” As Height On Tinder
LOS ANGELES — Following the release of “Spiderman: No Way Home,” data scientists at Tinder report that men who are 5’8” are now changing their […]
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Almost Getting Trampled, And Other UCLA Student Activities You Must Do Before Graduating
With a hustlin’ and bustlin’ campus filled with over 30,000 undergraduate students, it can be hard to keep track of all UCLA has to offer, […]
Opinion: The Pope Isn’t As Hot As My Dad
VATICAN CITY — How many times do I have to say this? Pope Francis isn’t the hottest old white guy out there! Every freaking time […]
Staff Suggestions For Thanksgiving Quarantine Activities
This truly has been an unprecedented year! It is difficult to spend the holidays apart from family, and we at the Westwood Enabler know how […]
BREAKING: Friend Wants To Go Camping
SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA — At 8:36 am PST, Scottie Macadamia compiled a group chat with his peers proposing a weekend trip that will never […]
New York Times Endorses Festering Corpse Of George McGovern For President
NEW YORK — The New York Times editorial board made the unexpected choice Sunday to endorse George McGovern, failed 1972 presidential candidate and rotting corpse, […]
BREAKING: Classmate Said “Zeitgeist”
WESTWOOD — At 10:33 A.M. today, according to reports, fourth year philosophy major Nathan Braz said “zeitgeist” in a class discussion. Sources stated that the […]
Student Who Never Went To Class Takes Grad Pics On Campus
WESTWOOD — Amy Allens, fourth-year English student and soon-to-be UCLA alumna, took to Instagram to unveil her array of graduation pictures, poetically taken in front […]
YRL Mountain Lion Diverts Attention From Powell Cat
WESTWOOD — After a mountain lion was noticed taking residence in the bushes adjacent to Young Research Library (YRL), many students have taken to the […]
Ninth Circle Of Hell Just Murphy Hall
VATICAN CITY — At a recent papal summit, Pope Francis confirmed that Murphy Hall lies within the boundaries of Hell’s most treacherous and damning circle. “You might […]