Student Starves To Death After Rendez Burrito Preparation Took Too Long
WESTWOOD — Last Tuesday, first-year Labor Studies major Eleanor Rivera tragically passed away from starvation after her Rendezvous West chicken burrito took too long to […]
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Heartbreaking: Newborn Really Named Kyle
JACKSONVILLE, FL — New “boy mom” Karen Shields recently shocked her Facebook friends by announcing the birth of her terribly named son, Kyle. “When my […]
The Enabler Reports: Zip It, Gamgam! America’s New Epidemic Of Lippy Elders
“I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up?” More like, “I’ve fallen, and I can’t SHUT UP!” Subtle disses by the frail hands of elders have […]
LinkedIn Rolls Out New “Open To Fuck” Banner
WESTWOOD — LinkedIn use is on the rise, with seniors desperate to secure connections before graduating, but with a sparse job market, many students are […]
I Lived It! Communal Bathroom Diarrhea So Bad I Had to Notes App Apologize
Tell me why I can stomach Taco Bell and Chipotle like a champ, but as soon as I try to get my veggies in at […]
Heartbreaking: Most Eager Lecture Participant Also Dumbest
WESTWOOD — LinkedIn use is on the rise, with seniors desperate to secure connections before graduating, but with a sparse job market, many students are […]
Opinion: I Need To Fuck Someone With A Scooter
Look, I’m over it. UCLA is basically an Olympic endurance course disguised as an academic institution. From walking up Bruin Walk to climbing the Death […]
Bruin Jaywalking Club Killed In Freak Accident
WESTWOOD — Early Monday morning, the newly founded Bruin jaywalking club announced that almost the entire club was killed in the middle of Gayley in […]