They thought they’d gotten rid of me. They told me I wasn’t funny enough for this publication and to go write for the Daily Bruin. They tried to silence me, barring me from reaching their thousands of Instagram followers with my really good jokes. Well, Enablers, you fucked up. You forgot one crucial detail:
All of your passwords are “daddygene1,” so I can still log into the website.
Since you fired me, I have nothing but bridges to burn. I’m breaking my silence. I’m going to expose the cold, hard truth about the staff of the Westwood Enabler and their shitty, shitty little lives.
1. They think SNL is funny
Before the Enabler fired me, I went on the club retreat. Would you believe that on a Saturday night, instead of focusing on drinking, smoking, partying, or doing ANYTHING of value, this group of amateur “comedians” watched an ENTIRE SNL episode? And most of them even laughed out loud a few times! Sure, Pedro Pascal is hot, but he can’t hear you. Have some self-respect. I nearly threw up.
2. Their childlike whimsy is a facade
It’s easy to get wrapped up in the air of mystery the Enabler staff seem to exude. Every third article of theirs has some stupid joke that makes you wonder how college students could have maintained such a childlike sense of whimsy over years of the sort of traumatic experiences that make someone become a satire writer. But this is only your impression because you’ve never met any of them. Understandable, of course—most have no lives outside of the club and open mic nights—but do not be fooled. They are the most cynical sons and daughters of bitches I have ever met.
3. The graphics team doesn’t even exist
Every graphic you’ve ever gaped or chuckled at hasn’t been made by an up-and-coming young graphic designer. Nope—they’re made by those loser editors with nothing better to do… and no choice, since every beyond competent Photoshopper at UCLA has the good sense to get paid for their work.
4. They don’t pay their writers
I don’t know what’s worse, that the Enabler takes advantage of its staff by not paying them a livable wage or that its writers are so lame they’ll sit in a room every Monday night telling jokes to each other for FREE.
5. None of them have rich entertainment daddies
I joined this club for one reason and one reason only: connections. That’s how exclusive college societies are supposed to work! You grind out an application while everyone else on your floor is partying and making friends, you grovel in the interview, you stalk the Board online so you can pretend to have the same interests when you spot them on the way to class. You make it in! Then you bomb to a silent room and eat your deflated ego week after week until you find some niche to crawl into and hide. Why do you do it? A love of the game? No! You do it for a backdoor into the Emmys, shortcuts to NBC internships, a network writing job right out of college a la the Harvard Lampoon. Come to find out, The Enabler has none of that yet! They’re still building this from the ground up. God, I hate public school.
6. None of their articles are true
Yeah, that’s right. You heard it here first. Every article the Enabler has ever put out has been filled to the brim with LIES. “That’s the point,” the editor in chief tried to tell me before she fired me, but I can’t be swayed from my morals. There’s no excuse for duping and manipulating our readers day in and day out. I’ve had enough.
So follow them if you want, it’ll certainly make them feel better about their choices. But I’m out. I’m headed to where the real stars of tomorrow are made: improv!