Biz Econ Major Excited To Commit White-Collar Crimes

WESTWOOD — Fourth-year business economics major Bordan Jelfort announced today that after years of experience in petty crime, he now intends to pursue a fruitful career in white-collar crime. “While jaywalking and shoplifting have taught me valuable lessons, I am happy to share that bribery and money laundering are truly where my passions lie,” Jelfort wrote in his LinkedIn post. “But with the insights I have gained from my summer at Goldman Sachs, I am also open to careers in embezzlement or fraud.” At press time, Jelfort was attempting to falsely file for bankruptcy on his BruinBill while simultaneously making deposits from an offshore bank account into his BruinCard.