Boelter Scientists Announce Creation Of Slowest Elevator Possible
WESTWOOD — During a press conference late Thursday evening, a team of scientists from Boelter Hall announced that they had created the slowest elevator possible. […]
School
“People Take Notes On This?” Asks North Campus Student Who Only Uses iPad For Porn
WESTWOOD — As iPads become the note-taking tool of choice for STEM majors, humanities students are not so quick to jump on the bandwagon — […]
New Chancellor To Be Chosen On “The Chancellorette” Mondays On ABC
BURBANK — Following declining viewership, ABC announced early Monday morning that they would be creating a new chancellor-themed spinoff to the hit reality TV show […]
Former Plane-Seat-Kicking Baby Now Lecture-Seat-Kicking Adult
WESTWOOD — The student who keeps kicking your seat during lecture recently disclosed that he has been training for this moment since he was a […]
Yes, Your Duffl Racer Is Judging Your 10 a.m. Vape Purchase
WESTWOOD — Sam McQueen, 5th-year electric scooter major, reports that as soon as your order came in, all the employees started making snarky comments and […]
Student Logs Lecture on Letterboxd
WESTWOOD – Following a particularly good LS15 class session, first-year film major Wes Scorsese logged the lecture to his Letterboxd. “Triumphant, in every sense of […]
Communal Bathrooms Now Only Accessible Through Mobile Order
WESTWOOD — With the resounding success of equipping every dining hall with mobile ordering, UCLA Housing is now seeking to digitize communal bathroom use. “We […]
Record Label Signs Hedrick Hall Shower Singer
LA LA LAND — After a scramble for one of the most sought-after, up-and-coming artists, We The Best Music Group has secured a lucrative deal […]
Opinion: Dropping This Class Is Not Enough; I Need to Infest Haines Hall With Locusts
As the 18th-century Scottish poet Robert Burns once wrote, “the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.” I don’t actually know what that […]
Freshman Confident Week Zero Friendships Will Last
WESTWOOD — Two weeks into her freshman year, Sarah Miller is confident she has met lifelong companions. “We all just don’t like drama,” said Miller, […]