Freshman Confident Week Zero Friendships Will Last

Friends talking at UCLA

WESTWOOD — Two weeks into her freshman year, Sarah Miller is confident she has met lifelong companions. “We all just don’t like drama,” said Miller, who has failed to see—or is willfully ignorant of—multiple red flags in her peers. “Gabby was telling me about her hometown friends, and they sound like the absolute worst. I really admire the courage it took to burn every bridge she had in high school and start fresh.” At press time, Miller was posting a picture of her personal Hindenburg with the caption “cheers to the next four with these dummies.”