Opinion: Being Uncircumcised Is Bohemian
When I received my acceptance letter from UCLA, I was ecstatic to move to Los Angeles, the land of fruits and nuts. Unfortunately, I have […]
Health
Chipotle To Require Credit Check Before Adding Guac
WESTWOOD — Chipotle announced Tuesday that they will be partnering with Credit Karma to run expedited credit checks on all customers attempting to add guac […]
Local Vagina Saves Discharge For Best Underwear
YOUR CROTCH — Despite eight previous hours of blessed discharge-free existence while you were wearing that ratty pair of granny panties you’ve had since high […]
Student Treats Self To A Few Days Of Rotting In Bed
A WINDOWLESS BEDROOM — Area student Molly Lee was seen this morning treating themself to a days-long stint of rotting in bed. Due to their recent […]
Complaining About the Rain? Don’t Worry, Climate Change Will Get Rid Of It
WESTWOOD — You’ve been complaining for two months now about the rain we’ve gotten this winter. You’re telling everyone that you’re sick and tired of […]
Opinion: How I Get So Much Volume In My Hair I Can’t Hear My Roommate Face-Timing Her Boyfriend
Step 1: I take a shower. This gives me an excuse to avoid hearing my roommate cycle through pet names for her five foot eight […]
Opinion: “Samueli?” More Like “Smelly.” You Stink!
WESTWOOD — UCLA is known for its beautiful architecture and iconic buildings. Even with a melancholy Mathematic Sciences Building, UCLA can keep its top spot […]
Opinion: If We’re Bringing Back Cigarettes, Why Don’t We Also Bring Back Opium?
I’ve noticed an interesting trend recently. You’re at a party, drinking your beers, sipping your jungle juice, and all of a sudden everyone is smoking […]
Three Signs You Have Developed A Parasocial Relationship With Gene Block
Are you feeling those pesky little butterflies fluttering in your tummy when you think about how close you are to Gene Block again after break? […]