Complaining About the Rain? Don’t Worry, Climate Change Will Get Rid Of It

WESTWOOD — You’ve been complaining for two months now about the rain we’ve gotten this winter. You’re telling everyone that you’re sick and tired of having to wade to class, and that you never even bothered to buy an umbrella or rain boots because this is Los Angeles and you shouldn’t need those things! You’ve had enough. Well, I have some good news for you: the earth is getting hotter! With higher temperatures, the water will evaporate faster (while it’s still in the clouds, probably) and there will be no more sad, rainy days. It’ll never drop below fifty in Los Angeles ever again — in fact, it probably won’t drop below eighty. Also, you know how every election cycle you write at least three Facebook posts ranting about Florida? Chill out. It’s sinking. We’ll soon be rid of that stupid state for good! But seriously, please shut up about the rain. If I have to hear the phrase “this campus just doesn’t drain well” one more time, I’m going to kill someone faster than climate change can kill coral reefs.