All Hail! God-King Julio Frenk Ensures Only Correct Speech Allowed
Hear ye! Hear ye! Rejoice! For our powerful leader, Julio Frenk, has banned all wrong speech on campus. No more will we have to determine […]
Crime
UCLA Reaffirms Commitment To Free Expression By Suspending Student Protests
WESTWOOD – In a video filmed from his blue void, Chancellor Julio Frenk reaffirmed the campus’s commitment to free expression by announcing the suspension of […]
Increasingly Desperate Clubs Begin Selling Organs On Bruinwalk
WESTWOOD — After a decline in sales of Porto’s Bakery rolls and Krispy Kreme donuts, increasingly desperate clubs have begun selling their own organs on […]
4 Things I Refuse To Apologize For After Being Held Hostage By The Pirates Of The Caribbean Animatronics For 93 Days
At first, I was ashamed. I was mortified. For years and years I hid in the shadows. I felt… embarrassed. I was embarrassed by all […]
Opinion: Stealing Is Morally Wrong Unless It’s From The Hilltop Shop
The Hilltop Shop is essential to surviving on the Hill. Need laundry detergent? Cheeto Puffs? A month-old refrigerated sandwich? You go to the Hilltop Shop. […]
‘Banana Peel Killer’ Sentenced to Death by Wet Floor
BAKERSFIELD, CA — On Wednesday, serial murderer Anabel Pane, labeled the ‘Banana Peel Killer’ on social media due to her unconventional, cartoonish methods, received an […]
Gift Of Prophecy? Californians Glad They Voted To Keep Inmate Firefighters Enslaved
CALIFORNIA — As Southern California wildfires stretch non-incarcerated fire crews thin, Democrats and Republicans alike are applauding their foresight in voting against Proposition 6, which would […]
