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Crime

Weapons Of Mass Destruction Mourn Passing Of Colin Powell: “He Always Believed In Us, Even When No One Else Did”

October 18, 2021 Dylan Wood 0

CLOUD CUCKOO LAND — In a statement released this morning out of the realm of imagination, Saddam Hussein’s Weapons of Mass Destruction mourned the death […]

Second-Year Reverses “Blue Lives Matter” Stance After Receiving Minor In Possession Citation

October 14, 2021 Tatiana Davidson 0

WESTWOOD — Second-year business economics student Cassie Duvall recently reversed her support for the Blue Lives Matter movement after receiving a citation on Thursday evening […]

UCLA Student Arrested By FBI For Calling Mike Pence “Weeb” On Twitter

March 8, 2021 Gillian Smith 0

COSTA MESA, CA — A UCLA student has been taken into custody in connection to the Jan. 6 attacks on the U.S. Capitol. Christian Secor, […]

Man Who’d Try Anything Once Convicted Of First Degree Murder

May 18, 2020 Max Flora 0

TRENTON, NJ — Jerome McConichcachl, a twenty-two year old who would try anything once, was found guilty last Saturday of first degree murder. “I was […]

Bird Tipping Not the Same, Say Students Of Rural Background

February 5, 2020 Jack Grossman 0

WESTWOOD — Early Friday morning, students hailing from rural hometowns saw an opportunity to engage in a favorite childhood pastime after drunkenly stumbling past herds […]

Baby Yoda Arrested For Tax Evasion

January 31, 2020 Grace Johnston-Glick 0

CHICAGO — Late last Monday evening, America’s little green sweetheart, Baby Yoda, was arrested outside his Chicago mansion for alleged tax evasion. The IRS, aided […]

Posts pagination

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  • Math Professor Doesn’t Know That Half Of Ten Weeks Is Five Weeks

    WESTWOOD — This week, local math professor Dr. Ivil has come under fire after scheduling a midterm for Week 4, a week that is definitively […]

  • Stolen Goods Stolen From Place With Exclusively Stolen Goods

    PARIS — Parisian police officers were stunned to discover this weekend that priceless jewels were stolen from the Louvre, a place that exclusively houses priceless […]

  • BPlate Announces Collab With McDonald’s To Ensure Froyo Machine Breaks More Often

    WESTWOOD – In a surprise new development, BPlate has announced a partnership with the fast food chain McDonald’s to ensure that the froyo machine remains […]

  • Government Shutdown Finally Hits Canvas

    WESTWOOD — Students everywhere awoke this morning to the modern equivalent of snow outside their windows: Canvas has been shut down due to bipartisan gridlock. […]

  • Opinion: If You A Stressed Baddie Who Procrastinated Before Canvas Went Down, This One’s For You

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Georgia McNeill
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