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Crime

Report: Number Of Dining Hall Utensils Stolen Weighed Against Your Soul In Afterlife

January 31, 2023 Anya Bergstrom 0

PURGATORY — A recent study by God revealed that the number of utensils stolen from dining halls on The Hill will be weighed against your […]

Strawberry Piña Colada Elf Bar Spotted On Nevada Border

December 29, 2022 Jade Lacy 0

BORDER TOWN, NEVADA — A rogue Strawberry Piña Colada Elf Bar, believed to be the sole survivor of the California flavored tobacco ban, was seen […]

5 Tips For Setting Healthy Boundaries With The Ants In Your Kitchen

November 28, 2022 Gabby Bromberg 0

Fall is here, and you know what that means! Pumpkin spice, holiday breaks, and several hundred new roommates. That’s right, your apartment is crawling with […]

Gene Block Purchases Gene Glock Following Recent Budget Cuts

November 23, 2022 Theo Zhang 0

WESTWOOD — Due to recent budget cuts, Chancellor Gene Block has begun pushing for a new cost-cutting and productivity-boosting measure: murder. “Even if we shoot […]

On-Campus Squirrels Now Required To Purchase Meal Plan

November 21, 2022 Sophia Balkovski 0

WESTWOOD — — UCLA Dining made the controversial decision Monday to require on-campus squirrels to purchase a meal plan. “We make all the other on-campus […]

Punching Down: Short King Victims Speak Out

October 24, 2022 Lucas Humel 0

WESTWOOD — The tempers of Short Kings everywhere are at an all time medium today, as recent instances of vertically-motivated violence have given a much […]

Opinion: If Ned Fulmer Can Do It, So Will Your Boyfriend

October 16, 2022 Serena Lee 0

Did you just celebrate your two year anniversary with Sweetie Cakes? Everything’s going well, he bought you flowers and gifts, and promised to love you […]

Opinion: The Roebling Block Party Is Needlessly Destructive. Also, I Wasn’t Invited.

October 6, 2022 The Daily Bruin 0

WESTWOOD — Students set private property ablaze Thursday night at the quarterly Roebling block party, disturbing the peace for Westwood residents trying to get ahead […]

Spineless Pushover Follows Traffic Guidelines

September 21, 2022 Milo Ellison 0

WESTWOOD — A shallow excuse for a man was seen blindly following traffic guidelines Wednesday in the greater Westwood area. “I just don’t want to […]

Bruin Bash 2022 To Feature Literal Bashing

September 19, 2022 Kathryn Steenburgh 0

WESTWOOD — Amid widespread speculation over which artist will be headlining UCLA’s Bruin Bash, exciting information has come to light: the 2022 edition of the […]

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