I Lived It: An Old Friend Reached Out Just To Share Their Beats
It’s a cool early summer evening. The moon is glowing, the stars are shining, and I’m taking advantage of this peaceful night by scrolling through […]
A&E
Idiot Moron Claps At Poetry Reading
WESTWOOD — This morning, fourth-year American literature and culture major Emily Yonicson humiliated herself and her family as she clapped, not snapped, at a local […]
“Boiling Water Challenge” Raises Awareness For How To Kill Yourself
LOS ANGELES — On Sunday, the University of Southern California’s Annoying Lame Students club (ALS) launched the ‘Boiling Water Challenge,’ a viral trend which aims […]
Opinion: Shut The Fuck Up About Coachella
An open letter to everyone on Instagram who is about to go to Coachella this weekend: SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!! I DO NOT CARE!!! I’m […]
Health Tip: Swallow Your Zyns
The great historian Howard Zynn once said, “Dissent is the highest form of patriotism.” Revising the revisionist, I say, “Dis Zyn is the highest form […]
UCLA’S Top Five Sexually Eligible Statues
5. John Wooden It’s no surprise that a man whose first and last names both mean penis is coming in hot on this list. John […]
Top Five Goonable Robots
Robots. One of the greatest and most attractive inventions ever thought up. They can help you with chores, they have superhuman strength, and best of […]
U.S. Army Chorus Perform ‘Do You Hear The People Sing’ In Brave Protest Against Themselves
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Army Choir, who thought that ‘Les Miserables’ was French for ‘Miserable Lesbians’, conducted a fearless uprising against the U.S. military […]
“Romance Movies Have No Plot” Says Guy Whose Romance Has Even Less Plot
Despite the fact this his current relationship is loveless and boring, Business Economics major Gustavo Hettro complained that his girlfriend’s choice of Pride and Prejudice […]
Douchebag Dogwhistle: Avoid Men Who Use The Phrase “Walkable Cities”
WESTWOOD — Disastrous reports from the Douchebag Research Institute (the minds that broke the Patagonia-vest epidemic and “being written by a woman”) claim that the […]