Robots. One of the greatest and most attractive inventions ever thought up. They can help you with chores, they have superhuman strength, and best of all, they know how to handle the females. Speaking of females, scientists have found that women now have more sex with robots than men. This amazing step forward for feminism had me thinking about which robots I would like to have sex with now that women are off the table. Hi, I’m David Doutman from the Westwood Enabler and this is my list of the top five robots that will make anyone’s genitals explode. Grab yourself a snack and a glass of motor oil, and try not to reach through the screen to kiss some of these beautiful hunks of metal. I know it’s hard, but it can’t be nearly as hard as I am right now!
5. Yes Man – Fallout: New Vegas
For what he arguably lacks in sex appeal, he makes up for with his charm, kindness, and nuclear face card. If you look at his body for long enough, it almost starts to resemble a grotesquely muscular man. Also, his programming requires him to say yes to literally anything you might ask. How nice of him!
4. Simone – Nier Automata
Yoko Taro’s excellent 2017 action RPG features many “attractive” humanlike androids that have inspired much superficial lust on the internet. But real robotfuckers know that 2B, 9S, and A2 all pale in comparison to the true queen of the machines, Simone. She can sing, she can dance, and she’s the size of an average human mother. Personally, I never got past her boss fight because I couldn’t bring myself to kill something so beautiful.
3. Rosey the Robot – The Jetsons
She can cook. She can clean. She can raise your kids. She has a fat dumper.
2. GLaDOS – Portal
Who wouldn’t want a sexy dominatrix robot who constantly berates you and tries to kill you? Her curvaceous body is perhaps the most visually stimulating in this list and her voice is like a siren’s song. In the sequel, she turns into a potato and then has a beautiful lesbian romance with the player character. As someone who has used a potato as a fleshlight numerous times, I can confidently say GLaDOS is sexy in either form.
1. Bigweld – Robots
It was difficult to pick just one character from BlueSky Studios’ cult classic animated film Robots, or as I call it, Hot Bot Heaven. Who could forget Fanny, whose ass is so fat her house rumbles when she walks, or Ratchet, whose chiseled physique could even turn some humansexuals’ heads. At the end of the day, the sexiest of them all is legendary TV host and tech mogul Bigweld. Voiced by Mel Brooks, this magnificent hunk of metal can satisfy any sexual desire. He can crush you with his massive round body, his neck is ribbed for your pleasure, and he can vibrate with more intensity than any so-called “magic wand.” Not only is his body perfectly optimized for pleasure, but he can also invent anything else you might desire with his genius intellect. Overall, it’s hard to deny that Bigweld is prime goon material, even among an exceptionally goonable bunch.