The great historian Howard Zynn once said, “Dissent is the highest form of patriotism.” Revising the revisionist, I say, “Dis Zyn is the highest form of things that belong in my mouth and stomach.” That’s right folks, doctors all across the world are encouraging people to swallow their Zyns. As a former cigarette chomper, I found myself dissatisfied with the grainy texture of both Virginian and Turkish tobaccos. That’s why I’ve opted to suck, chew, and swallow flavored oral nicotine pouches.
There are a myriad of health benefits one gets from ingesting these buzz sacks of nic. For one, it gets your gut biome super domed; all of the bacteria can lock in better when they’re digesting sweet brewskis, which pair so nicely with the Zyns. Additionally, nicotine increases blood flow, which is why many geriatrics are slurping ‘em up to help with their erectile dyfunctzyn. Finally, my good pal RFK Jr. (whom I met at an orgy for bears) was telling me the other day that Zyns are excellent at combating the measles.
Back where I’m from in Zyndianpolis, Zyndiana, my tummy-wummy could feel the sweet burn of wintergreen, citrus, coffee, and cinnamon flavors. Now that I live in California, Governor Gavin Newscum has oppressed me into only swallowing bland flavors like “cool,” “smooth,” “patrickbateman,” and “idontlikehomelesspeople.” Even with this neoliberal, flavorless bullshit, I’m still grateful that I can lick up the juices of my sweet upper-decky lip cushions.
Next time you’re chowing down on your yogurt-based concoction at De Neve, consider sprinkling a couple of Zyns on top as a healthy treat. Don’t listen to Big Pharma, and always remember that in God’s country, Jesus died for our Zyns.
