Breaking: UCLA Has A Women’s Basketball Team, Too!
WESTWOOD — Undercover journalists for the Daily Bruin’s sports desk have unearthed information suggesting that UCLA has a women’s basketball team that also wins games […]
UCLA
Study Shows Too Much Weed Causes Memory Loss, May Also Cause Memory Loss
WESTWOOD— A new study out of UCLA has shown that consuming too much marijuana causes memory loss, and it may also cause memory loss. Wait, […]
Students, Viruses Enjoy Return to Campus
WESTWOOD — The UCLA community, and the UCLA virus community lying dormant in students’ bloodstreams, began its return to campus this week with excitement. “It […]
UCLA Students Excited To Return In-Person But Also Not
WESTWOOD — UCLA students expressed collective excitement this week about the return to in-person instruction, but also not. “Yeah, I’m stoked to go back,” said […]
Gene Block Sees Shadow, 6 More Weeks Of Online School
WESTWOOD— Yesterday morning, UCLA Chancellor Gene Block emerged out of his burrow and saw his own shadow, thus dooming UCLA students to six more weeks […]
Student Becomes Disability Rights Advocate After His Midterms Shift To In-Person
WESTWOOD — A tireless new advocate for disability rights has emerged at UCLA in the form of fourth-year Jordan Jortson, who recently found out his […]
Uh Oh! The Mormons Won The Religion Lottery And Everyone Else Is Getting Waterboarded By Satan
SALT LAKE CITY — Making His first public appearance in millennia, God announced Sunday that the Mormons had won the religion lottery for eternal bliss, […]
4 Reasons Why You Don’t Deserve To Register In That Class You Need To Graduate
You really thought you were out of here. How naïve you were, going on your Class Planner, just begging for a spot to open up […]
Woke Guy Prefaces Oral Sex With Acknowledgement We Are On Indigenous Land
WESTWOOD — On Friday evening, local ‘woke’ man and third-year global studies major Jack Stoop prefaced oral sex with an acknowledgement that we are on […]
Good News! Ashe Appointment Available December 2022
WESTWOOD — On her fifth call to the Ashe Center, second-year Natalie Johnson was able to secure a primary care appointment for December 2022. “I’m […]