Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed
It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]
humor
Supreme Court Brings Back Three-Fifths Compromise
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blockbuster 5⅗–2⅗ decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Section 2 of the 14th Amendment unconstitutional, effectively allowing states to declare […]
Anxious For Finals? Hilltop Shop Releases UCLA Vibrators
WESTWOOD — In light of test-taking jitters, the Hilltop Shop has released UCLA-themed vibrators ahead of finals. “I really wanted to buy the Blue Bullet […]
Trend Watch: Going Commando At Undie Run
Enough is enough. Every time the UV level is a 7, everybody and their mother is out getting sunburnt on Janss in a bikini top. […]
It’s True! The Dumbest Man You’ve Ever Met Has Started A Substack
WESTWOOD — Standing at a handsome 5-foot-6, known idiot, failed Biz Econ major, and your sophomore-year Hinge match Brayden Johnson has decided to start a […]
Elon Musk Bullied To Tears In Fortnite Voice Chat
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Elon Musk was reportedly heard sobbing in a Fortnite Zero Build voice chat after being bullied by ELON_GETS_0_HOES, a 12-year-old in a […]
Embarrassing! You’re Wearing The Same Outfit As Your Profile Picture
WESTWOOD — Uh oh! After giving your Instagram to a cute classmate, they pointed out that you’re wearing the same outfit as your profile picture. […]
Five Stupid Little Trinkets To Give Your Mom Instead Of Grandchildren
1. Card Pick up the last Mother’s Day card (conveniently located next to the “#1 Grandma” cards) and don’t even sign your name inside. She’s […]
I Lived It: An Old Friend Reached Out Just To Share Their Beats
It’s a cool early summer evening. The moon is glowing, the stars are shining, and I’m taking advantage of this peaceful night by scrolling through […]