1. Card
Pick up the last Mother’s Day card (conveniently located next to the “#1 Grandma” cards) and don’t even sign your name inside. She’s just going to throw it away anyway, along with her dreams of ever becoming a grandparent, so it doesn’t really matter. If you’re a real tryhard, you could even make your own! Tip: If you do it shittily enough, it’s like a child made it.
2. Flowers
Who cares that you’ve never thought to ask your mom her favorite flowers, or that she is actually allergic to most of them? This is just what you do on Mother’s Day. Your mom will absolutely adore the thoughtful gift of the same exact thing everyone gets their mom every year, and she loves how they only live for three days max, unlike those pesky babies that you have to take care of for 80 years.
3. Candle
People always say babies smell nice, but you know what smells even nicer? Artificially-scented wax. This Mother’s Day, satisfy your mother’s need for the warmth of a tiny human next to her with the warmth of an itty-bitty flame. It’s pretty much the same thing!
4. Fish
This is a great gift to make up for your utter failure to copulate with anyone. Just like a grandchild, you can name it, teach it tricks, and it’s fun in theory but way, way too much work in practice. She’ll love reminding you that the average lifespan of a pet fish is 5 to 10 years – 5 to 10 times longer than any relationship you’ve been in. But who needs someone to carry on the family name and legacy when you have Bubbles?
5. Nothing at all
Your mom said you really didn’t need to get her anything for Mother’s Day, so you’re just honoring her humble, minimalist wishes. Anything other than photos of her nonexistent grandchildren would pale in comparison, so why even bother? Just make a story post like everyone else that she won’t see anyway because you blocked her.