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Reagan Medical Center To Offer Free Antidepressants To Happy Students In Hopes Of Trickle Down Effect

December 1, 2021 Melissa Beining 0

WESTWOOD — Ronald Reagan Medical Center will give antidepressants to happy students in hopes of wellness “trickling down” to their depressed counterparts. “Guided by the […]

Scientists Discover Why Looking At Photos Of Gene Block Makes Your Dick Twitch

November 30, 2021 Gillian Smith 0

CAMBRIDGE— After several months of careful experimentation, MIT’s leading neurologists have finally identified why scrolling through Chancellor Gene Block’s Facebook makes your dick twitch. “The […]

Opinion: I Went Undercover To Expose Frat Culture And I’m Having The Time Of My Life

November 29, 2021 Max Flora 0

WESTWOOD — When I arrived on the first day of rush, I was a man with a mission. It was my first time ever encountering […]

Uh Oh! You Just Got Invited To An Improv Show

November 27, 2021 Jade Lacy 0

WESTWOOD — Amateur comedians have been bombarding unsuspecting students over the past week with invites to their improv shows, and you are their latest victim. […]

Thanksgiving Dinner Ruined By Grandpa’s Politics, And His Musty Fucking Breath

November 26, 2021 Robi Chatterjee 0

HOME — Grandpa Max ruined his family’s annual thanksgiving dinner by bringing up his insensitive antiquated politics and by having really smelly breath. “I think […]

Macy’s Thinks It’s About Time Deadbeat Nordstrom Hosts Parade For Once

November 25, 2021 Billie Chang 0

NEW YORK CITY — In a statement given Thursday morning, Macy’s reaffirmed its displeasure with having to throw the annual Thanksgiving Day parade, calling upon […]

Thanksgiving Renamed To White Thursday

November 25, 2021 Enabler Staff 0

WASHINGTON — In the spirit of color coordination and honoring our colonial past, the White House has announced that Thanksgiving will be renamed White Thursday. […]

“It’s Giving: Thanks,” And Other Hip Phrases To Win Over Your 13-Year-Old Cousin At Thanksgiving

November 24, 2021 Hanna Barlow 0

It’s almost time for Thanksgiving, which means a well-deserved respite from the quarter system: going home, eating delicious food, and reflecting on the plethora of […]

Skater Decides Walking Would Have Looked Way Cooler Than Wiping Out On Bruin Walk

November 23, 2021 Robi Chatterjee 0

WESTWOOD — After wiping out on Bruin Walk, skater Ken Bone decided he would have looked a lot cooler if he had walked instead. “At […]

Report: Male Pattern Baldness Also Extends To Pubes

November 22, 2021 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA — A recent report found that 70% of balding men also reported hair loss in the pubic region. “For a lot of us, […]

Posts pagination

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  • Stolen Goods Stolen From Place With Exclusively Stolen Goods

    PARIS — Parisian police officers were stunned to discover this weekend that priceless jewels were stolen from the Louvre, a place that exclusively houses priceless […]

  • BPlate Announces Collab With McDonald’s To Ensure Froyo Machine Breaks More Often

    WESTWOOD – In a surprise new development, BPlate has announced a partnership with the fast food chain McDonald’s to ensure that the froyo machine remains […]

  • Government Shutdown Finally Hits Canvas

    WESTWOOD — Students everywhere awoke this morning to the modern equivalent of snow outside their windows: Canvas has been shut down due to bipartisan gridlock. […]

  • Opinion: If You A Stressed Baddie Who Procrastinated Before Canvas Went Down, This One’s For You

  • Friend Who Can’t Drive Way Too Invested In Formula One

    AUSTIN, TX — This weekend, second-year Mechanical Engineering major Diem Vee posted multiple photo dumps of himself trackside at the 2025 United States Grand Prix […]

Featured Authors

mm
Georgia McNeill
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Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
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