Report: Muscle Just Fat Pushed Together A Lot
SEATTLE—A recent study released by the Institute of Molecular Sciences at the University of Washington has conclusively proved that muscle is formed by the pushing […]
Chancellor Officially Announces Campus Theme As ‘Bricks’
WESTWOOD—Drawing intrigue on the part of staff and students alike, Chancellor Gene Block officially announced UCLA’s new theme for the 2015-2016 school year as ‘Bricks’. […]
U.S. Ranks 39th in Education, 1st in Kicking Ass
WASHINGTON—The U.S. is declining in several metrics of social progress, found a Pew Research Study, but is still number 1 in annihilating ass. According to […]
Man Afraid Of Mispronouncing Dinner Order Gets Bread, Side Of Meatballs
PORTLAND, OR — Afraid of butchering the pronunciation of his dinner order and making a fool of himself in front of friends, fellow diners, and […]
Report: Students Born In The Year 1900 Smarter; Dead
RIVERSIDE, CA—Citing a new study by the Institute of New Era Insight, UC Riverside Chancellor Kim [man] A. Wilcox declared that students born in the […]
Report: Quality Of Fanfics Goes Down
MELBOURNE—Recent statistics from the Australian Bureau of Pop Culture indicate that the quality of fan-written fiction about a series, or “fanfics”, tends to go downhill […]
Particle Physicists Admit They’re Just Making Shit Up
GENEVA—Last Thursday, particle physicists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) admitted that they were just completely making up bullshit that sounded smart and […]
Girl Who Switched From Glasses To Contacts Still As Unattractive As Ever
RICHMOND, VA — Following several seconds of one-sided deliberation, classmates of Polk Middle School 7th grader Bethany Walton confirmed to reporters Tuesday that despite her […]
2 Severely Injured In Fire, My Bad
LOS ANGELES—Two civilians, Glen and Lisa, were hospitalized earlier today after I accidentally knocked a candle over, setting fire to their apartment. “Clearly he didn’t […]
Man Shoplifts Chinese Character From Tattoo Parlor
SANTA MONICA―An unidentified shoplifter left La Pistola Tattoo Parlor with a stolen tattoo of the Chinese character for “strength” on his lower back, police reported […]