2 Severely Injured In Fire, My Bad


LOS ANGELES—Two civilians, Glen and Lisa, were hospitalized earlier today after I accidentally knocked a candle over, setting fire to their apartment. “Clearly he didn’t mean to do it, and he is very, very sorry about it all.” said firefighter Dan Peters, reassuring everyone that what happened was an isolated incident and that it will never happen again (really, it won’t–I swear.) “The candle was placed on the edge of the table and it would have been impossible to get around without at least nudging it somewhat. The man who is responsible for this should feel very sorry about it all—rightly, he does. There is no need to make him feel more sorry.” Further reports suggest that it should be me in the hospital recovering from those burns and I will be sending them a card and flowers as soon as I can.

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Dank, fam