Bastard Of Edenborough Pines For Hand Of Lady Arkwright Of Essex Despite Her Betrothal To Sir Edmund Blackbourne
Lo! 1642 years after the incarnation of our lord on the eve of harvest, all of England and her territories recoil as the Bastard of […]
Study: 78% Of People Don’t Realize How Miserable They Should Be
WESTWOOD — A team of sociologists from UCLA, working in conjunction with distinguished scholars from the University of Washington and Saint Mary’s College, have concluded […]
English Major Definitely Writing The Great American Novel
WESTWOOD — First-year English student Henry Bellows is definitely working on the Great American novel, sources close to him reported. “Oh yeah, he totally is,” […]
Op-Ed: Why Is Everyone So Mean To Me?
People of America, I have a message for you all. Stop being big fat meanie jerkfaces! It’s not fair! It was my turn to be […]
Notoriously Pretty Celebrity Ugly After Childbirth
LOS ANGELES— Notoriously Pretty Celebrity was noticeably less pretty than usual today when she emerged from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center after giving birth to twins. “While […]
Murderer Murdered In Prison, Never Repeats Offense
SAN QUENTIN, CA — Danny Feroz, a notorious California hitman convicted of 12 homicides, was stabbed to death in the cafeteria of San Quentin State […]
Everyone In Group Project Only Person Who Does Anything
WESTWOOD—Citing Brian’s lack of reliability and Julie’s poor speaking ability, multiple sources confirmed Wednesday that every party involved in group three’s Spanish 100 project is […]
Frat Boy Fears Commitment On Valentine’s Day Too
WESTWOOD—Waking up next to yet another drunken hookup, third-year frat brother Tanner McCormick confessed to reporters he was not interested in pursuing a long term […]
Billionaire Casually Takes Snickers From Hotel Room Mini Bar
LAS VEGAS—Exhibiting utter disregard for the exorbitantly inflated price tag, billionaire media magnate Emil Donovan casually took a Snickers from the fully-stocked minibar of his […]
Paris Officially Creeped Out You Haven’t Changed Your Profile Picture Yet
FACEBOOK—Noting that its presence as a social event had long since run its course, Paris reported last night that your profile picture, still emblazoned with […]