Op-Ed: Why Is Everyone So Mean To Me?

hillary clinton

People of America, I have a message for you all.

Stop being big fat meanie jerkfaces! It’s not fair! It was my turn to be president and you are all ruining it for me! Where did Bernie Buttface Sanders even come from? I’m supposed to be the Democratic nominee and I’m getting beat by some old guy from Vermont! Not fair!

Bernie says he’s a revolutionary; well, I’m a woman. Why are all you young girls so mean to me? I’m a role model. You’re women. Vote for me! If you don’t vote for me, we won’t be friends anymore! I’ll hike your student loan interest! I’ll become pro-life! Stop being jerks and vote for me! If you don’t, you’re going to hell because my other old lady friends said so!

Who is Bernie Sanders anyway? He’s just some boring white guy. I know black guys are cool so I know why Obama won, but how the frick is Bernie Frizzyhair Sanders cooler than me? He doesn’t even have a Snapchat! I use words like chill! I wear pantsuits! I’m friends with Lena Dunham! Vote for me or I’ll block you from my Twitter!

You know what, you’re all sexist jerks! I’m a tough, independent woman who doesn’t use her husband’s legacy as president to win things ever and you hate me for it. You don’t even care about my super fun adventures in Benghazi and awesome private bank relations, you just hate me because I don’t have a weiner. Well guess what? I don’t need your help anyway! Go support the old man, you lame buttheads!

Black people, Latinos, and old people, you are all still my friends and I will give you a lackluster speech about pragmatism and experience while Bernie has his massive drug party orgy for millennial girls. Doing drugs makes you stupid, that’s why you vote for Bernie, jerks! A vote for me is a vote for women and really badass wars. A vote for Bernie is a vote for drugs and angry old men. Also, I will hate you forever.


Hillary Clinton