Report: Not Even Michael Jackson Knew Words To “Thriller”
LOS ANGELES—Newly released footage of Michael Jackson backstage during his 1987 Bad World Tour reveals that not even the iconic pop singer knew the words […]
Op-Ed: Humor Isn’t A Defense Mechanism, Idiot
For years, comedic artists have been the victims of malicious attacks by the stale, unfunny masses who claim that we do what we do as […]
Professor Valiantly Tries To Toggle Multiple Internet Tabs
WESTWOOD—Students silently supported their biology professor during lecture today as she struggled to toggle multiple tabs on Internet Explorer. “So here we have a… oh […]
Question Ignored By Entire UCLA Class Of 2019 Facebook Group
WESTWOOD–A question posed by freshman Cody Chastain has yet to receive a single like, comment or share in the four hours since it has been […]
Student Picks Up Daily Bruin To Seem Informed
WESTWOOD—Crowds gathered in what was later described as “reverent awe” when Lisa Myers, first-year biology student, picked up a copy of the Daily Bruin as if […]
Social Disaster Barely Scraped Together By Quality Salsa
WESTWOOD—In what onlookers described as a “harrowingly dull” floor event, near catastrophe struck the third floor of Gardenia Hall Thursday night when host Shawn Molina avoided […]
Child of Divorce Gets All The Cool Shit, Peers Say
CLEVELAND, OH—Citing his endless supply of expensive gifts including long distance RC helicopters and a mini TV, peers of Anthony Morega, a second grader at […]
Cultured Man Likes Shakespeare On Facebook
WESTWOOD—Local cultural elite Arthur Chesterfield was reported to have liked William Shakespeare’s page on Facebook earlier today. “I just really think the English canon would […]
How To Get Into Med School
Getting into med school is no easy task! The following tips are guaranteed to get you into the school of your dreams. Stare intensely at […]
Nation Secedes From Texas
WASHINGTON—President Obama this morning signed into law a bill allowing the United States to secede from the state of Texas just days after the legislation […]