Nation Secedes From Texas

In light of the legislation, one star will be removed from every United State's flag.
In light of the legislation, one star will be removed from every United States flag.

WASHINGTON—President Obama this morning signed into law a bill allowing the United States to secede from the state of Texas just days after the legislation passed in both chambers of Congress. The initiative, titled “The Compassionate Country Act” (CCA), will reduce the nation to a 49-state union, with Texas functioning as an independent country effective immediately.

“Texans have long wished to secede, claiming my race to be federal overreach and a violation of their states’ rights,” explained President Obama. “The bumper stickers on the backs of their pickup trucks have spoken loud and clear. I don’t need this shit. Screw you guys; we’ll save you the trouble.”

Supporters of the new law cite Texas’ residents as the main reason for secession.

“Have you heard their accents? Ew,” said Senator Chuck Schumer of New York, who helped push the bill through the Senate. “See y’all later, Texas! Ha ha.”

Other proponents of the CCA point to the former state’s crimes against cuisine.

“As a representative of the Los Angeles area, I love my Mexican food,” said congressman Ted Lieu. “But what the hell is this Tex-Mex shit? Who puts cumin in a taco? They just have to ruin everything!”

Texans have responded positively to their expulsion from the union.

“I am overjoyed to have been elected supreme leader of this new country,” said former Senator Ted Cruz from his tank, rolling through and demolishing Texas’ last remaining Planned Parenthood facility. “We will rule this God-created Christian nation for a thousand eternities!”

Cruz has followed through on his promise to eradicate Obamacare, replacing it with legislation he has dubbed “CruzCare,” which provides all Texans with guaranteed universal access to firearms.

“We were so sick of that Kenyan Arab socialist Obama forcing healthcare on all of us! Guns make us much safer,” said Dallas resident Martha Swanson as she packed her son’s lunch for school, complete with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, applesauce, and an M-16 assault rifle. “Second amendment in America’s constitution, first and only amendment here in Texas!”

The new Texas government has also done away with America’s “sissy-ass border patrol,” which they have replaced with a less costly and more effective border control plan. Under the “Kids Across Borders” (KAB) act, Texas elementary school students are mandated to spend one period of their gun safety class every week firing at Mexicans across the border.

At press time, the new country’s economy had already collapsed under Supreme Leader Cruz’s 0% tax rates, and residents were begging The United States to take them back, saying they were “sorry” and “didn’t really mean it” when they had asked to secede.

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