Social Disaster Barely Scraped Together By Quality Salsa
WESTWOOD—In what onlookers described as a “harrowingly dull” floor event, near catastrophe struck the third floor of Gardenia Hall Thursday night when host Shawn Molina avoided […]
Child of Divorce Gets All The Cool Shit, Peers Say
CLEVELAND, OH—Citing his endless supply of expensive gifts including long distance RC helicopters and a mini TV, peers of Anthony Morega, a second grader at […]
Cultured Man Likes Shakespeare On Facebook
WESTWOOD—Local cultural elite Arthur Chesterfield was reported to have liked William Shakespeare’s page on Facebook earlier today. “I just really think the English canon would […]
How To Get Into Med School
Getting into med school is no easy task! The following tips are guaranteed to get you into the school of your dreams. Stare intensely at […]
Nation Secedes From Texas
WASHINGTON—President Obama this morning signed into law a bill allowing the United States to secede from the state of Texas just days after the legislation […]
How To Show Your Mother You Care
This Mother’s Day, use these helpful tips and tricks to show your mother that you really do care! Mail her breakfast in bed. Eliminate some […]
Student Body Breathes Collective Sigh Of Relief As Last Bruins United Campaigner Leaves Bruin Walk
WESTWOOD—Thirty thousand undergraduates at UCLA suddenly exhaled deeply, releasing a week’s worth of tension, yesterday at 3:10 p.m. when the last remaining campaigner for Bruins […]
Donald Trump Announces Donald Trump As Running Mate
NEW YORK CITY—Donald Trump announced at a rally this morning that, if nominated, which “[he] might as well have been from the very second [he] […]
That’s An Awfully Nice Paper You’ve Got There
You have a wonderful newspaper. Truly, wonderful. I read it every week, and it always brings a smile to my face. You should be very […]
12 Pictures Of Dialysis Machines To Get You Through Midterms
1. So, it’s midterm week. 2. And you may be feeling a little bit overwhelmed… 3. But these adorable artificial kidneys have your back! 4. […]