Unsupervised Group Of Bigots Chalk Campus
WESTWOOD—With no adult supervision present at the time, an anonymous group of bigots worked late into the night to plaster the University of California, Los […]
Clinton Campaign Builds Moat Around Fundraiser
POTOMAC, MD—Again under fire for their lavish fundraisers, Clinton campaign staffers built a moat surrounding a fundraising event at a private residence in Potomac yesterday […]
Panama Papers Something Something Tax Evasion
OFFSHORE—The International Consortium of Investigative Journalists recently released a series of documents called the Panama Papers, which are almost certainly linked to tax evasion somehow. […]
Transgender Man Uses Bathroom, Washes Hands And Leaves
RALEIGH, NC—Transgender man Jim Hornet used a public restroom at a Chili’s in Raleigh this afternoon. “I work at an office supply company, and I […]
Op-ed: Everyone Wants To Dance For Pediatric AIDS But No One Wants To Help Me Kill My Doppelganger
When I heard about Dance Marathon my first year at UCLA, I was absolutely thrilled. Thousands of people getting together in silly outfits raising money […]
Study: Water Best Served Lukewarm
NEW YORK – A recent analytical study performed by New York University has revealed that water is best served at the body temperature of your […]
African Warlord Offers 20% Discount on Water
UGANDA — Charles Masane, leader of the Righteous Liberation Army announced in a press release this morning that water will be discounted 20% this weekend […]
Westwood Stores Sell Out Of Useless Shit
WESTWOOD—Charlotte’s Boutique, a store in Westwood, sold out of its entire stock of useless shit, sources confirm. The store, established in 2009, is frequented by […]
Whaling Protesters Amazed By How Tasty Whale Is
TOKYO — Protesters at the Japanese Cultural Cuisine Association’s annual food sampling last Thursday were shocked to learn that the animal they were fighting to […]
Request For Water Cup Denied
HOUSTON—Upon ordering a No. 3 combo meal at a local Wendy’s, area man Greg Myers was shocked when his polite request for “a small cup […]