Westwood Stores Sell Out Of Useless Shit

Westwood Village, full of useless shit.
Westwood Village, full of useless shit.

WESTWOOD—Charlotte’s Boutique, a store in Westwood, sold out of its entire stock of useless shit, sources confirm. The store, established in 2009, is frequented by locals for its wide variety of cheap jewelry, point and shoot cameras that look like SLRs, and other worthless products that only morons would buy.

“I can usually count on an increase in business in the first quarter, when student loan refund checks arrive, but this year was simply marvelous. Within two days of restocking, my hand painted porcelain door knockers were sold out, and the next day I ran out of denim wristwatches,” said Laurette Couture, owner of Charlotte’s Boutique.

Across the street, Spooky Superstore has had its best fiscal year to date. Spooky Superstore is open for business every year from just October 17th to November 5th, but still manages to sell enough Halloween merchandise to pay property tax on its 15,000 square feet building. Spooky Superstore’s most popular items are Sexy Nurse, Sexy Bumblebee, Sexy Girl, and Banana Penis.

Richard Bross, manager of Spooky Superstore, runs the store across the street, Bruin Apparel, on the off season. “Oh yeah. Bruin merch has been selling like hotcakes,” Bross said, “I’ve sold 40 Bruin flip flops, 30 UCLA nail clippers this week. Just this morning a guy bought our life sized marble statue of John Wooden. I swear. We could probably put UCLA’s logo on a sweatshirt and people would wear it in the middle of summer.

The restaurant industry has also been booming. Favio’s Coffee House, Yummy Yum Sushi, and No Mo Lung’s hookah cafe all saw a 50% rise in sales this quarter.

UCLA School of Business graduate Harold Young plans to open a pizzeria in Westwood to take advantage of the rising economy. “I feel like pizza is a niche in the Westwood market that isn’t being exploited,” Young said, while cutting a slice of his Enzo’s 23 inch pizza, “I’m looking to start something more local than California Pizza Kitchen and Extreme Pizza, but not as local as Lucia’s and Lamonica’s. A make your own pizza place higher quality Open Oven but less expensive than 800 Degrees. I might buy out D’Armore’s.”

Couture plans to reinvest money earned from her recent success and expand next door to Charlotte’s Boutique. The new store, Charlotte’s Boutique Exprès, focus on edgy clothing that is still normal enough not to be seen as “trying to hard.” Featured items will include ripped jeans, jeans that are actually leggings, cargo shorts where none of the pockets are real, and hats with irremovable tags.

About Hans Oberschelp 9 Articles
Hans is an invaluable satirist and talented humor writer with the Enabler who has contributed much material, tangibly and intangibly, to reality and surreality.