Report: Area Man Has Time To Get Sick
LOS ANGELES—After delaying the onset of a cold for the past month, area man Jeff Martin announced that he is now ready to fight the […]
‘Sick Kickflips’ Now Allowed In No-Skateboard Zones: UCLA Chancellor
WESTWOOD—UCLA Chancellor Gene Block approved a change to campus policy Friday that allows “sick kickflips” in designated “walk your wheels” zones. “Since the day our […]
Song Perfectly Captures How Local Teen Is Feeling
LOS ANGELES—Local high school student Danette Evans discovered a song on the radio that perfectly embodied her innermost feelings, she reported Monday. “So apparently, there’s […]
Op-Ed: An Open Letter To Honda and BMW: Sedan/SUV Crossovers Do Not Belong On Our Roads
Alright Honda and BMW; you win. You have annihilated me with your demonic morphage of Sedan and SUV that I have seen clobbering gracelessly down […]
Southern Californian White Male Doesn’t Even Surf
DALLAS, TX— At North Dallas High School, new student Todd Anderson from Huntington Beach, CA has stirred up a lot of conversation following his first […]
Report: Not Even Michael Jackson Knew Words To “Thriller”
LOS ANGELES—Newly released footage of Michael Jackson backstage during his 1987 Bad World Tour reveals that not even the iconic pop singer knew the words […]
Op-Ed: Humor Isn’t A Defense Mechanism, Idiot
For years, comedic artists have been the victims of malicious attacks by the stale, unfunny masses who claim that we do what we do as […]
Professor Valiantly Tries To Toggle Multiple Internet Tabs
WESTWOOD—Students silently supported their biology professor during lecture today as she struggled to toggle multiple tabs on Internet Explorer. “So here we have a… oh […]
Question Ignored By Entire UCLA Class Of 2019 Facebook Group
WESTWOOD–A question posed by freshman Cody Chastain has yet to receive a single like, comment or share in the four hours since it has been […]
Student Picks Up Daily Bruin To Seem Informed
WESTWOOD—Crowds gathered in what was later described as “reverent awe” when Lisa Myers, first-year biology student, picked up a copy of the Daily Bruin as if […]