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Unacquainted Apartment Neighbors Unsure If They Should Continue To Make Eye Contact Through Window

October 24, 2016 Avalon Penrose 0

LOS ANGELES—Even after two months of being next door neighbors, local apartment tenants Paul Bryson and Ariel Higgins have only communicated via eye contact through […]

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How To Make Your Dorm Room Feel Like Home

October 24, 2016 Enabler Staff 0

Missing home lately? Just can’t wait for Thanksgiving? Then here’s how to make your dorm room feel a little more like home! Shroud your body […]

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How To Draft That Email To Your Professor

October 24, 2016 Enabler Staff 0

Do I include a smiley face? Is a winking face inappropriate? Do I want to be inappropriate? How many exclamation points are too many exclamation […]

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Study: The Sea Is An Unforgiving Mistress

October 23, 2016 Kushal Chatterjee 0

SAN DIEGO, CA—Recent studies compiled by various mateys and seadogs have unanimously concluded that, despite the proposals made by hapless landlubbers, the sea is a […]

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Roommate Alarmed By Number Of Un-Ironic Halloween Decorations

October 23, 2016 Sierra Scott 0

WESTWOOD—Student Ariel Johnson reported feeling increasingly alarmed this week by the number of un-ironic Halloween decorations that her roommates have put up in their room. […]

Freshman Milks Common App Essay For One More Club Application

October 23, 2016 Matt Moldenhauer 0

WESTWOOD– Sources revealed that first-year Russell Price was successful in milking his Common App essay one last time for his final club application of the […]

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“Thanks For The Spit!” Says Spit Fetishist Outside Trump Rally

October 23, 2016 Nathan Grovhoug 0

RICHMOND, VA—After scouring the Richmond venue for human secretions with a homemade vacuum attached to a large mason jar worn on his back, Clement Augustine […]

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Bruin Walk Troll Runs Out Of Riddles, Begins Asking Students If They’re Interested In A Cappella

October 23, 2016 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD—Sources confirmed last Tuesday that the infamous troll of Bruin Walk, Jiles Grumpus, has run out of riddles and begun asking students if they are […]

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Couple Perfect For Each Other Not Even Kind Of Okay For Anyone Else

October 23, 2016 Jasmine Don 0

LOS ANGELES — Local woman Lauren Collins and her boyfriend Jason Cho are reportedly “perfect for each other,” according to sources close to the pair […]

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Google Maps Introduces “Avoid Wilshire” Route Option

October 23, 2016 Jasmine Don 0

LOS ANGELES—Google Maps introduced an update this week that allows drivers to opt for a route that avoids navigation through Wilshire Boulevard. “Originally, we tested […]

Posts pagination

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  • Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”

    WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]

  • two skeletons kissing in front of a rainbow pride flag

    Skeletons In Closet Come Out

  • Supreme Court Brings Back Three-Fifths Compromise

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blockbuster 5⅗–2⅗ decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Section 2 of the 14th Amendment unconstitutional, effectively allowing states to declare […]

  • Experimenting Princess Clarifies She “Could Kiss A Frog, But Never Date One”

    FAIRYLAND — Today, one princess set the record straight about her sexual preferences after being caught with a frog. “Even though I had so much […]

  • Joe Bruin Bulks Up, Grows Beard For Pride Month

    WESTWOOD — After undergoing twink death at the age of 99, beloved UCLA mascot Joe Bruin has now transformed into the bear he was meant […]

Featured Authors

mm
Georgia McNeill
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
  • Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

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