Sadness And Loneliness Are Just Social Constructs, Says Man Lying On The Floor
SANTA MONICA, CA—Lying curled in a fetal position upon the floor of his kitchen, area man Andrew Pacheco repeatedly declared sadness […]
POINT: We Need To Save Vine / COUNTERPOINT: If Anyone Cared About Vines, Our Rainforests Wouldn’t Be Disappearing
Point We Need To Save Vine By: Rebecca McKinley We need to save Vine. That’s really all there is to it. These hilarious six-second videos […]
Area Mom Uses Term “Hook Up” Incorrectly Again
LOS ANGELES—Area mom Lois Stevens reportedly used the term “hook up” incorrectly again yesterday when encouraging her daughter to attend her professor’s office hours. “Surely […]
Area Woman Takes Break From Work Anxiety To Enjoy Social Anxiety
LOS ANGELES—Local woman Gina Adler attended a party this past weekend to take a break from her usual work-related anxiety and spend more time on […]
Area Man’s Opinion Absolutely Terrible
LOS ANGELES—Area man Randall Steele shared his absolutely terrible opinion with his co-workers while on their lunch break this past Thursday. “We were in the […]
Shitty Club Promises T-shirts In Desperate Plea To Retain Members
WESTWOOD–In an attempt to retain what few members it has left, the shittiest club on campus has promised tee shirts to all of its remaining […]
Mom Totally Nails Guest Bathroom’s Beach Aesthetic With New Shell Soaps
TULSA, OK— After weeks of trying to perfect the downstairs guest bathroom, local mom Beth Patterson made a final addition of shell soaps to successfully […]
Gene Block Invites Students To Challenge Him In One-On-One Basketball
WESTWOOD—In an email sent out to the student body today, Chancellor Gene Block notified the school that he has set aside time to face students […]
Even Professor Piterberg Kind Of Surprised He Got His Old Job Back
WESTWOOD—After returning to campus with very few repercussions for the sexual harassment he committed two years earlier, Professor Piterberg recently announced that even he is […]
Friend Who Wasn’t Hungry Already Asking For A Bite
WESTWOOD — After insisting that she wasn’t hungry and deciding not to order food for herself, Stacy Abrams proceeded to ask for a bite of […]