Area Man Worried Waiter Should Have Written Down Order
LOS ANGELES—While dining at a local restaurant with several friends on Monday, area man Greg Johnson became increasingly worried when the waiter did not write […]
Point: BU is Stinky/Counterpoint: All the Independents Have Cooties
Point: BU is Stinky by Ashley Jacobson (Independent) Bruins United is stinky! I mean, look at those guys! They all share the same values and […]
Area Hallucinogen User Ushers In New Era Of Enlightenment
WESTWOOD—Second-year English major and notable hallucinogen user Hayden Bradley ushered in what he has proclaimed to be a new era of enlightenment for humanity following […]
Screaming Customer Inspires Cashier to Be Better
WESTWOOD–Sources confirm that an altercation with an infuriated customer inspired local retail worker Rachel Jefferson to be better. “It was an overwhelming personal experience, and […]
TA Thanks Students For Coming To Discussion As If They Had Fucking Choice
WESTWOOD—Sources at the University of California, Los Angeles confirmed that History of Modern Freeways teaching assistant and PhD student Caroline Gates thanked her students for […]
USAC Resolves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
WESTWOOD—Members of the Undergraduate Students Associated Council (USAC) — the country’s foremost middle-eastern foreign policy experts — announced earlier today that they had successfully negotiated […]
Local Weirdo’s Favorite Muppet Isn’t Beaker
WESTWOOD–Sources have recently confirmed that the favorite Muppet of Ian O’Neill, a local weirdo, isn’t Beaker. “Beaker’s alright, but no way is he my favorite,” […]
Study: Average Person Takes At Least Three Months To Get Over Failed Relationship, Debbie, You Bitch
WESTWOOD–A new study conducted at UCLA has found that the average person takes at least three months to get over a failed relationship, Debbie, you […]
Mostly-Full Water Bottles Neglected in Prime Of Lives At Airport Security
LOS ANGELES–On its way to Chicago O’Hare, a sixteen-ounce bottle of Dasani purified water was abandoned by its owner outside LAX airport security. The water […]
Local Man Mediocre Artist Despite Unhappy Childhood
WESTWOOD–Despite having an unhappy childhood, local man Stephen Hopkins, 34, is still a mediocre artist. “My parents and I moved around a lot, never really […]