USAC Resolves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

USAC has dutifully stepped up to accomplish what the UN never could.
USAC has dutifully stepped up to accomplish what the UN never could.

WESTWOOD—Members of the Undergraduate Students Associated Council (USAC) — the country’s foremost middle-eastern foreign policy experts — announced earlier today that they had successfully negotiated peace between Israel and the Palestinian Authority.

“After years of prioritizing this issue on campus, we are elated to announce that our council has mediated a peace treaty between the two states,” said the council members in a press release, reveling in the end of years of on-campus activism and discord between supporters of each state. “We realized that this issue could no longer be a divisive force in campus politics, and resolved to put our differences aside and solve the conflict on behalf of the respective heads of state.”

While students rejoiced at the new harmony between the once-warring states, many questioned why the issue had remained such a priority for the University.

“I mean, I definitely don’t like war of any kind and am happy to see that Israel and Palestine have finally attained peace with each other, but there are far more pressing issues at UCLA,” said third-year economics major Shelly Keys. “Why not focus on the rising tuition, or the fact that one in four women are sexually assaulted on campus?”

USAC representatives were quick to respond to student concerns.

“We acknowledge that we are in college at a time when many can hardly afford to attend this institution and face myriad mental and physical challenges, but these issues simply do not affect members of our council,” said a council member who wished to remain anonymous in a multi-paragraph Facebook post aimed at promoting the upcoming USAC election. “It is disrespectful to downplay the importance of the issue and the oppression these people across the globe are facing.”

At press time, Israelis and Palestinians had descended upon Sacramento to protest for lower tuition across the University of California.

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