Employee Begins To Feel Kinship With New Name Boss Gave Him
LOS ANGELES — In a turn of events, junior managerial assistant Matthew Stevenson began to feel a kinship with the new name his boss had […]
Kerckhoff Hall Passed Over For Starring Movie Role In Favor Of Younger Luskin Center
WESTWOOD — The lights dimmed in UCLA’s Kerckhoff Hall this afternoon after the iconic building learned that it had been passed over for the coveted […]
Bruin Republicans Back On Their Bullshit
WESTWOOD — With the Nov. 13 “Ben Shapiro: The Rise of Campus Facism” event, Bruin Republicans was officially declared to be back on their bullshit […]
Louis C.K. Gay Now
NEW YORK — In light of recent allegations of sexual harassing multiple women, comedian Louis C.K. has announced he is actually gay via a press […]
LiAngelo Asks If “Steals” Can Be Added To Otherwise Poor Stat Sheet
HANGZHOU, CHINA — After being apprehended for stealing merchandise from a store in China, LiAngelo Ball was left wanting to know if these “steals” could […]
Dodgers Forget How To Play Baseball Before Game 7 Loss
LOS ANGELES — In what psychologists have described as “the greatest case of the Yips ever seen in sports,” every single player on the Los […]
5 Ethnicities You Can Culturally Appropriate This Halloween
1. Oompa-Loompa The Oompa-Loompas are an indigenous people with a rich history. In their native country, Loompaland, they traditionally harvest cacao beans and create architecturally […]
Wow! Here’s All The UC Campuses But We Didn’t Rank Them Or Anything
1. The first UC campus that came to mind, but not because we think it’s the better than the others or anything, is UC Irvine. […]
Westwood Landlord Running Out of Storage Space for Harvested Organs
WESTWOOD — As November 1 draws closer, area landlord Jane Khari is growing increasingly concerned about the lack of storage space for her collection of […]
Waldo Removed From FBI’s Missing Persons List, Presumed Dead
WASHINGTON, D.C.— Acting Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) director Andrew McCabe announced today that the man known simply as Waldo, whose disappearance was brought to […]