Louis C.K. Gay Now

Illustrated by Felipe Bris Abejon

NEW YORK — In light of recent allegations of sexual harassing multiple women, comedian Louis C.K. has announced he is actually gay via a press release by his PR team. “He vehemently denies all these allegations, and contends that he wouldn’t be able to masturbate in front of women as he is only attracted to men,” stated the press release, noting that C.K.’s closeted homosexuality ultimately led to tension with his ex-wife and his eventual divorce. “The multiple stand up routines involving vivid descriptions of penises and masturbating was just a way to compensate for his deeply repressed desire to engage in sexual intercourse with men because he is gay.” At press time, reporters were scrambling to find his high school swim times.