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Articles by Pranay Hegde

Thirteen Year Old Beatles Fan Born In Wrong Generation

May 23, 2018 Pranay Hegde 0

SAN ANTONIO — Thirteen year old Beatles fan Allan Davis realized early Monday morning that he was, in fact, born in the wrong generation. “Like this comment […]

Area Housecat Charged With Misdemeanor Catnip Possession

May 23, 2018 Pranay Hegde 0

SAN FRANCISCO — In the highest profile criminal case of the decade, area housecat Mr. Whiskers was found in his house early Monday morning with seven […]

Powell Bathrooms To Require Multifactor Authentication

March 10, 2018 Pranay Hegde 0

WESTWOOD — In a press release late Thursday night, UCLA officials announced that mandated multifactor authentication would extend to the use of Powell Library bathrooms. […]

UNICEF To Consider Starving Children On A Case-By-Case Basis Due To Budget Cuts

February 9, 2018 Pranay Hegde 0

LOS ANGELES — UNICEF announced early Monday morning that it would consider providing meals to starving children on a case-by-case basis due to budget cuts, citing […]

Local Man Enjoys Airport Pat-Down

February 8, 2018 Pranay Hegde 0

LOS ANGELES — After waiting for over two hours in the security line, local man Michael Beal reportedly “thoroughly enjoyed” a pat-down from officials at the […]

Dodgers Forget How To Play Baseball Before Game 7 Loss

November 3, 2017 Pranay Hegde 0

LOS ANGELES — In what psychologists have described as “the greatest case of the Yips ever seen in sports,” every single player on the Los […]

Area Vegan Seriously Injured After Hugging Cactus

October 29, 2017 Pranay Hegde 0

BEVERLY HILLS, CA — In an emotionally charged attempt to show his appreciation of vegetation for its nutritional benefits, local vegan Edgar Wilkner tightly embraced […]

  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes

    Just the other day, I was walking to campus, my fresh, virgin eyes bright and cheery, excited to see the world and all the glory […]

  • A white boy and Asian girl standing outside Marugame Udon

    White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month

    WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]

  • Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager

    WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]

  • Report: Never Trust How You Feel About Your Life From 12AM To 11:59PM

    WESTWOOD — A new study from UCLA’s Student Anxiety and Depression (SAD) laboratory recommends to never trust anything you think about your life from 12:00 […]

  • Secretary of Defense Announces That Only The “Boy Lesbians” Will Be Eligible for Future Drafts

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Commenting on the draft eligibility of American women, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced that only the “boy lesbians” would be eligible. […]

Featured Authors

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Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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