P: Men Are Born Free, And Everywhere He Is In Chains. CP: Do Yo Chain Hang Low And Wobble To Da Flow?
Point Men Are Born Free, And Everywhere He Is In Chains. By: Jean-Jacques Rousseau You may believe you are a free individual, but in reality, […]
Area Woman Slowly Decaying into Offbeat Wes Anderson Character
PORTLAND, OR — Close friends and family of area woman Ella Hartley report that Hartley’s personality has seemed to gradually dwindle into an amalgamation […]
Nigerian Princes Sue Yahoo! For Defamation
LAGOS — Former internet giant Yahoo! is facing a lawsuit from princes in Nigeria, who claim Yahoo!’s handling of the “Nigerian Prince” email scam has […]
Report: Dianne Feinstein Bullied By Senator As Child
WASHINGTON — Following a viral video last week that showed her bullying young children, a report has surfaced that Senator Dianne Feinstein (D – CA) […]
Barney’s Beanery Begins Weekly Mahjong Night
WESTWOOD — Citing the success of recurring weekly events like “Karaoke Night” and “Trivia Night,” the management of Barney’s Beanery announced last Monday that the […]
Classics Department Discovers Name of Victory Goddess “Nike” Just Short For “Nichael”
WESTWOOD — Following the discovery of a hidden vault in Athens, scholars of the renowned UCLA Department of Classics made a breakthrough concerning the “Winged […]
Op-Ed: John Wooden Statue Outside Pauley Pavilion Should Be Made of Wood
Every day during my walk down Bruinwalk from the Hill to campus, I see the statue of John Wooden outside Pauley Pavilion and look at […]
A$AP Rocky Changes Name To “Whenever’s Most Convenient” Rocky
LOS ANGELES — At 8:00 AM Monday morning, prolific Harlem rapper A$AP Rocky called a press conference to announce his new stage name: Whenever’s Most Convenient […]
Aww! Man Celebrates Valentine’s Day by Making Love to Capitalism
Johnny Richardson, a 21-year-old Westwood resident, woke up fresh-faced with an extra spring in his step and walked to his local grocery store to ring […]
Saint Valentine Still Not Sure How He Got Caught Up In This Whole Thing
HEAVEN — Although he was venerated by the Church for his contributions to chivalry and courtly love, Saint Valentine is not really sure what he […]