Johnny Richardson, a 21-year-old Westwood resident, woke up fresh-faced with an extra spring in his step and walked to his local grocery store to ring in the big holiday. “Just a little nervous. It’s my first time,” Richardson confessed as he checked his bank account balance on his smartphone while navigating a commercial sea of pink and red merchandise. “I’ve been mentally and physically preparing for this day for a while. No one forgets the first time they went all-out on Valentine’s. There’s a lot of pressure to perform well and I’m just trying to live up to expectations.”
And Richardson performed indeed. Things got heated as soon as Richardson thrust one hand into a “Buy 1, Get 1 Free” deal for Hershey’s Kisses™ while simultaneously gliding the other hand across a rosy array of Sweethearts™ boxes. The capitalist system blushed as the excited consumer piled more and more items into his oversized, overflowing cart. Adam Smith himself would have shuddered with pleasure at Johnny’s skillful, sensual stimulation of the free market system.
Richardson, like many people in relationships, places a heavy (and expensive) emphasis on making this particular holiday nothing less than orgasmically spectacular. “Some people say that it’s the thought that counts, but I strongly disagree. Capitalism gives me so much to live for. I gotta treat it right you know, to keep the romance alive,” Richardson said, while holding up a Valentine’s Day Star Wars™ Yoda with a poignantly embroidered “MY LOVE, YOU ARE” on its forehead.
Upon the completion of the shopping spree, he sighed in relief and exited with a large load of assorted chocolates, flowers, and stuffed animals. Richardson happily stated that he was ready for round two. He excitedly awaits for discounted chocolates in the days to come — as if he needs another excuse to feel the heated thrills of mass consumerism.