Iowa To Adopt “Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Moe” Voting System
DES MOINES — In response to widespread criticism of its recent caucus, the Iowa Democratic Party has announced that they will be transitioning to an […]
Op-Ed: Toddlers Are Idiot Loser Virgins
When I heard I was gonna be an uncle, I was like dope. But as soon as little Piss Pants was born, I realized that […]
Baby Yoda Arrested For Tax Evasion
CHICAGO — Late last Monday evening, America’s little green sweetheart, Baby Yoda, was arrested outside his Chicago mansion for alleged tax evasion. The IRS, aided […]
Inclusivity Win! BPlate Adds Intermittent Fasting Option By Removing Breakfast Meal Periods
WESTWOOD — Residential dining hall Bruin Plate has decided to close its doors during all breakfast meal periods due to pressure from student members of […]
CAPS Refocuses Outreach Efforts To Girls Who Cut Their Own Bangs
WESTWOOD — An official statement issued Friday by UCLA’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) announced their decision to channel resources towards girls who cut their […]
Local Flyerers Not Advertising, Just Hate Trees
WESTWOOD — A new student organization, the Bruin Dendrophobic Social Movement (BDSM), began flyering daily last Wednesday on Bruin Walk to promote their bold new […]
The Sexiest, I Mean The Smartest Youth Climate Activists
The global movement to adopt greener solutions has been led by sexy children who have fought tooth and nail to prot–I mean, intelligent. The push […]
Huge Football Player Somehow Makes Kids’ Razor Scooter Work
CERRITOS, CA — Physicists have taken to the Razor Scooter headquarters in Cerritos, California earlier this week in an attempt to study the engineering genius […]
Young Research Library Introduces Sensory Deprivation Tanks
WESTWOOD — In preparation for finals week, the Charles E. Young Research Library’s collaboration pods have been replaced with sensory deprivation tanks full of salt […]
New York Times Endorses Festering Corpse Of George McGovern For President
NEW YORK — The New York Times editorial board made the unexpected choice Sunday to endorse George McGovern, failed 1972 presidential candidate and rotting corpse, […]