Op-Ed: Toddlers Are Idiot Loser Virgins

Graphic by Isaiah Little

When I heard I was gonna be an uncle, I was like dope. But as soon as little Piss Pants was born, I realized that babies fucking suck.

The first time we met he started crying. Real immature bro, crying just because I’m way more jacked than you. You think I cry every time I see my father and realize I’ll never live up to his unrealistic body standards? Save your tears for the shower like a real man.

Once he started walking, I thought we could bond over some football, but I’m not allowed to tackle him. I’d rather paint my nails pink and show emotional vulnerability than play a chick game like flag football. He’s just scared to face me in real sports because I bench 300 pounds and he’s like 2 feet tall.

I call him Piss Pants because he’s always peeing himself and no one even cares. Meanwhile, I piss myself once at a party and suddenly I’m on “probation.” Talk about discrimination.

He asked me once where babies come from. I told him they come from sex with hot babes, like I have all the time. Then he asked me what sex was, like a total fucking virgin. I explained what sex is to him, because I totally know what it is and have done it a bunch.

I’m getting real sick of all of Piss Pants’ shit. And I don’t like all the dumb stuff he does either. I think I’m gonna have to ask my bro to stop banging his wife so his dumbass toddler goes away.