The Sexiest, I Mean The Smartest Youth Climate Activists

The global movement to adopt greener solutions has been led by sexy children who have fought tooth and nail to prot–I mean, intelligent. The push to adopt greener solutions has been led by intelligent children who have fought tooth and nail to protect our waters, knock out carbon emissions, and save our dying ecosystems. Through their work, the young leaders of today prove that poor kids are just as sexy as white kids.

Excuse me, that is, uh, excuse me. I meant poor kids are just as bright as white kids.


Autumn Peltier, 15

Ms. Autumn Peltier, a member of the Wiikwemikong First Nation, began her fight for water protection justice at the ripe age of eight. The internationally recognized “water warrior” advocates for clean water for indigenous communities and has established comprehensive water protection throughout our neighbor nation of Canada. 

Among her accomplishments, it must also be remarked that Ms. Peltier is endlessly sensual ― sensually able to pick up with her senses, like sight and hearing, that we are in a climate crisis.


Isra Hirsi, 16

Isra is one of the co-founders of the US Youth Climate Strike. As Isra’s comrade and your green presidential candidate, I promise to alert people to the sex appeal, and, and by that I mean grit, of underage relatives who stand nearby. Our dying planet calls on Rep. Ilhan Omar to keep the guys away from her daughter.


Alexandria Villaseñor, 14

An organizer of FridaysForFuture and founder of nonprofit climate change advocacy organization Earth Uprising, Alexandria, I’ll bet, is as bright as she is good-looking.

In just four years, she’ll be legal, too*.


*Mr. Biden’s campaign manager has issued the clarification that Alexandria will be legally able to vote in four years.

Amariyanna “Mari” Copeny, 13

Now that is one alluring sixth grader.

I mean, I mean attractive. I mean advanced. I mean advanced in the brain, gifted. She’s gifted, she’s gifted in loo- I mean looking out for, advocating for, for Detroit, Michigan.

I mean Flint. In tandem with the nonprofit Pack Your Back, Amariyanna fund-raised over $500,000 to relieve the Flint Water Crisis. Without her work, tens of thousands of children and families would be without access to clean water.



Greta Thunberg, 17

I would love to drape my hands over her shoulders and linger there for 30 to 45 seconds.


Now is our time to act.

Earlier, I had mistakenly said that I would love to drape my hands over a child’s shoulders and leave them there for 30 to 45 seconds. What I meant was that I would love to lift these children up by the shoulders and elevate their voices while manually holding onto their bodies. 

The work of these young, sex–excuse me– smart, heroes has warned us: without immediate action, sea levels will rise in the next eighty years to catastrophic effects; world food supplies will continue to deplete; deadly hurricanes and natural will ravage our lands; melting ice caps will destroy the harmony of the world’s ecosystems; and people, especially those from the most vulnerable and “colored” communities, will continue to suffer and die.


Now is our time to act.**

**do the bare minimum.

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Former Vice-President