UCLA Announces Masks Now Optional, Also Pants
BRUINWALK — UCLA has announced that, beginning April 11, students will no longer be required to wear masks — nor pants. “I’m so excited to […]
Unbelievable! Area Woman Goes To Gyno Without Tearing Paper Gown
WESTWOOD — In a stunning turn of events, area woman Julia Smythe has made it through her gynecological exam without tearing the paper gown the […]
4 Out Of 5 Dentists Say You Should Break Up
CAMBRIDGE — A recent study done by MIT analysts has found that four out of five dentists say you should break up with your good-for-nothing […]
UCLA Taskforce Taskforce Tasked With Enforcing Taskforce Tasks
WESTWOOD — In a fairly precedented move, UCLA’s Department of Redundancy recently announced the formation of a Taskforce Taskforce, which will be tasked with enforcing […]
Syllabus Says 95% Of Grade Determined By How Smart You Sound Introducing Self To Class
WESTWOOD — Most students in Professor McDugal’s course on negotiation were horrified to learn that 95% of their grade would be determined by how smart […]
BREAKING: Everyone Who Commented “pls admit me” On UCLA’s Instagram Was Just Accepted
WESTWOOD — In a ground-breaking decision, the Board of Admissions at UCLA has accepted all undergraduate applicants who commented a message akin to “pls admit […]
Opinion: I Was Going To Make A Will Smith Joke, But I Am Afraid
Hi all, I hope we are all aware of what transpired on Sunday, March 27th at the Dolby Theatre. It was a night that will […]
Gone But Not Forgotten… Wait Nevermind, Who Is This?
WESTWOOD — The whole campus came together today to mourn the recent passing of… well, we are not quite clear on that. “It’s hard to […]
Suave Announces 5-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner, Body Wash, Lube, And Meal Replacement
CHICAGO — Responding to investor pressures to expand its customer base, Suave announced Thursday a new 5-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, body wash, personal lubricant, and meal […]
Gen Z Ultrasound Assistant Groans Every Time Baby Going To Be A Gemini
LOS ANGELES — Twenty-three year old perinatal assistant Jessica Fieldman groans every time an ultrasound predicts the baby will be a Gemini. “I just can’t […]