Campus Squirrels Form Paramilitary Unit
WESTWOOD — After years of pizza, quesadilla, and donut thievery, UCLA’s campus squirrels have militarized in order to obtain junk food more easily. “Ever heard […]
Pope Francis Says Homosexuality OK, Lactaid Unnatural
VATICAN CITY — The Catholic Church has publicly amended its long held opposition to homosexuality in favor of condemning the most unnatural of abominations: lactaid. […]
Welcoming Our New Vice Chancellor Of Buttfuck Nothing
Dear Bruin Community: It is with pleasure that I inform you that Hankk Smiggly will be joining the UCLA team as our new Executive Vice […]
HBO Releases New Euphoria Inspired Drugs
NEW YORK, NY— Following the massive success of the second season of “Euphoria,” A24 announced the release of a new line of drugs inspired by […]
Christopher Nolan Nukes UCLA For 5-Second “Oppenheimer” Shot
WESTWOOD — In what has now become a mass-casualty event, Christopher Nolan has nuked the UCLA campus for a 5-second B-reel scene in his new […]
Six Self Love Exercises That Even Your Dumb Little Brain Could Do
With the most stressful weeks of the quarter beginning, it’s important you’re prepared for the onslaught of hate, both from within and without. Here are […]
“Intersectionality,” And Other Buzzwords You Can Use To Justify Buying From Amazon
We all know how it goes. You run out of masks or printer ink or clean underwear, and you need more ASAP. There’s only one […]
LAPD Finds All Suspects Of Murder Case In Break Room
LOS ANGELES — In what must have been either a stroke of luck or an eerie coincidence, the Los Angeles Police Department discovered every suspect […]
Off-Campus Students Realize They Have To Feed Themselves To Live
WESTWOOD — Off-campus student Jess Rodgers expressed frustration Tuesday after learning that Earth did not have dining halls everywhere and that she needed to find […]
Activist Alert! Poli Sci Major Refuses To Drink Moscow Mules
WESTWOOD — Following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine in February, UCLA’s students have found a method of protest which caters to the party scene. “Once I found […]