EXPOSED: Queen Elizabeth Is A Nepotism Baby
LONDON — Sources revealed early Tuesday morning that Queen Elizabeth II is a product of nepotism. “I looked her up on Wikipedia and her parents’ […]
HBO Announces Euphoria Prequel Set In Preschool
LOS ANGELES — Soon after receiving record-high ratings for its second season, Euphoria show-runner Sam Levinson announced a prequel show set in preschool. “We’re really […]
Body-Positive Man Removes Height from Tinder Bio
WESTWOOD — UCLA’s dating app scene made an historic push toward body positivity Tuesday, when 6’2 third-year Brant Jacobs removed his height from his Tinder […]
Toy Story 5 Trailer Depicts Andy’s Sex Toys Coming To Life
HOLLYWOOD — In a surprise announcement made Tuesday morning, Pixar revealed its plans for the production of Toy Story 5. “The concept is basically the […]
The Girl Boss’s Guide To Discussing Inception Without Ever Watching It
Ready for a movie that you’ll like as much as you hate condoms? Christopher Nolan’s cinematic masterpiece is beloved by film bros everywhere, and soon […]
Doctors Hate Her! Local Woman Says “AWOOGA” Instead Of “Ahhh” At Every Checkup
LOS ANGELES — Just this week, several Los Angeles doctors came forward to detail their uncomfortable experiences with local woman Riley Coyote, who says “AWOOGA” […]
Westwood Neighborhood Council Votes To Add More Vacant Pits
WESTWOOD — Citing an uncharacteristic lack of gaping holes in the ground, the Westwood Neighborhood Council voted Friday to add more vacant pits to the […]
Breaking: UCLA Has A Women’s Basketball Team, Too!
WESTWOOD — Undercover journalists for the Daily Bruin’s sports desk have unearthed information suggesting that UCLA has a women’s basketball team that also wins games […]
UCLA Confesses Most Philosophy Professors Have Several Hundred Page Manifesto
WESTWOOD — Amid a push for increased transparency with the student body, UCLA has confessed that almost all of their philosophy professors have several hundred […]