UCLA Attempts Greater Transparency, Confesses Most Philosophy Professors Have Several Hundred Page Manifesto

WESTWOOD — Amid a push for increased transparency with the student body, UCLA has confessed that almost all of their philosophy professors have several hundred page manifestos. “As we’re in the process of reviewing these documents, we’ve quarantined the entire philosophy department in Dodd Hall until further notice,” said Vice Chancellor Michael Beck, who has been trying to get Gene Block to wear the friendship bracelets he bought for them for years and hopes this will finally show Gene he can be a big strong man too. “So far, I can assure you the most concerning thing we’ve seen was a sexual fantasy about a threesome with Aristotle and the superphysical manifestation of his intellect.” At press time, the philosophy faculty was several hours into a debate over which part of the trolley problem they represent right now with no end in sight.