Syllabus Says 95% Of Grade Determined By How Smart You Sound Introducing Self To Class

WESTWOOD — Most students in Professor McDugal’s course on negotiation were horrified to learn that 95% of their grade would be determined by how smart they sound introducing themselves to the class. “Negotiation is all about first impressions. Before the pandemic, I could tell a lot about a student from their handshake—whether they would sink or swim, pass or fail my class, live or die. But times change,” explained McDugal, who nodded approvingly when a student used the words “intractable,” “palimpsest,” and “halitosis” in their answer to the question “what did you do over spring break?” “I especially appreciate anyone who mentions they have read my research, and I think everyone would love to hear about the nonprofit you founded and the exact number of national parks you’ve been to.” At press time, all students except the ones that took handwritten notes about the syllabus on their iPad and the guy who brought the 700-page, nonmandatory textbook to the first day had dropped the class.